Link in the Chain

Today’s the anniversary of my grandpa’s passing. Almost every year since, I’ve written something to mark the occasion. Family bonds and responsibility have always been strong themes, as I think about where I am right there, right then, and how I see the path ahead. This year, the entry serves a dual purpose, as I’m also breaking seven months’ silence here. I haven’t written in a long time, and neither simple words nor profound thoughts have come easily tonight. Bear with me.

I’ve read over the past few years of entries, to get my mind in the right place for this year’s installment. Sometimes I know what I want to say. Sometimes all I have to say is what I have on my mind at the time. Sometimes I ramble on incoherently. Sometimes the entry finds me, like last year’s Food of Love entry.

This year’s main topic is easy, really.

JoAnna and I are expecting our first child in September, starting our family in earnest. We’ll also be giving our parents their first grandchild, which seems appropriate enough. So far mother and child-to-be are fine, more or less. That is, the baby is developing as he/she should, and J is doing pretty well considering she has an alien life form growing in her belly.

From the 2006 entry:

“If I've learned anything in the past year, it's that I had previously had no idea what commitment and responsibility meant.”

Yeah. Like that, except more so. By a lot.

As I stood at the altar on our wedding day, looking into J’s eyes and saying the vows, I had a profound spiritual experience. I was very acutely aware of the magnitude of what we were doing, and that I had never really committed to anything or anyone before. The days that have passed since that day have shown me some of the depth of the commitment I took on.

When JoAnna and I found out we were going to be parents, I had a similar experience. I was very acutely aware that this was the most permanent, irrevocable and scary thing I’d ever done, and I had never really had any idea what responsibility meant.

I can only imagine how my idea of family and responsibility will change once the baby arrives and Jo and I find a way to survive and thrive. I’m looking forward to it, frankly. Excited.

We’re at the spot on the path where put up meets shut up. It’s all well and good to talk about passing blessings along and the burden of responsibility to the next generation. But it’s quite something else to know that the next generation will be arriving in just a few months, be sure to mark it on your calendar. Talk is cheap and fancy words are on clearance.

That’s a bit cavalier, but I expect that any expectations I have about what parenthood will be like are going to be similar to the ones I had about married life – basically right, but not even close.

Everything big is made up of lots of little things, often simple and mundane. I want to pass along the blessings that I have been given to my child, to provide security and opportunity and a sense of wonder at the world. This is true.

But as I understand it, the first stage of advancing this goal is to make sure the kid makes it to the second stage alive and in one piece. And that will consists of feeding and changing and lots of other stuff that I don’t know about yet but will learn as we go along, on a scale that will likely boggle my mind, while simultaneously still doing the things that got us to where we are right now – taking care of our marriage, getting up each day and going to work, keeping in touch with family and friends.

It’s simple, really. It’s just the details that are complex.

(Out of all the entries I’ve written, somehow I think this one has the greatest potential to be laughed at by Future Me…)

I wish my grandparents could be here to meet my child, to be a part of his/her life. For that matter, I wish that they could be here so that I could share my life with them. That’s just selfish on my part, but there it is.

I’m grateful that my kids’ grandparents will all be around. I’m grateful for the lessons they’ll teach my kids, maybe without realizing it. I’m grateful for the memories my kids will have of their grandparents. I’m grateful to be a link in the chain from my grandparents to my parents to my children and beyond.

Nice place to be, really.

Comments

[Jim]

Your annual entries are starting to serve as a marker for me, too.

I like that.

[fitzgeraldsteele]

I agree with your thoughts on commitment and family. There's no question that family takes on a different meaning with children. I can say, however, that my daughter brings me pure joy every day - through smelly diapers and not-wanting-to-go-to-sleep tantrums, whatever. She is a source of joy. I imagine you will find the same.